Decisions.... Decisons...

Ok … So a am sitting here faced with one of the hardest decisions that I may have to make during my Peace Corps service.
I just got done with the Shea conference in which I felt that my women got absolutely nothing out of… that is except for the idea that they needed a big grinding machine to grind the Shea nuts into to butter, and a covered area to sit under while they did this, as well as a building or room to store the machine and all the other equipment we were going to magically acquire. EPIC FAIL! As most of you already know, on my way into Bamako for the Shea conference I got in a relatively bad accident on the bush taxi (which is my only way in and out of site) And most of you know that I have been in A LOT of vehicle accidents in my day and am overly scared when it comes to vehicles in the first place. So that said, I am now at regional training where all the volunteers in my region come together and talk about what we have done. It dawned on me that I haven’t really done anything! Not for lack of trying, but for a lack of enthusiasm on the part of my village members.
So, being me, I over analyze everything! Why am I even her e? I’m obviously not getting anything done, and the chances of anything getting done in the near future looks pretty glum, and I am risking my life every time I get in public transport… For what?!
I am not arguing the fact that my villagers don’t need help. I know they obviously do, but what am I supposed to do if they don’t want to work with me. In the past two months 2 NGO’s have decided to move into my village. A village of 500 people has Peace Corps, Helen Keller International and a French NGO working on bee keeping. HKI comes in and give motorcycles to the workers at my CSCOM so they can “work” with them, then the friggin frenchies haven’t even moved in yet and they are already building a big well and making plans to give more stuff… I can’t compete with that! I mean who would you want to work with? A company who comes in and gives you all kinds of free stuff and lots of money or someone who just comes to help you but wants you to contribute 33% of the project labor and/or cost. It’s a no brainer!
Owen has really helped me, he sat down and made a pro’s and con’s list with me, my options are to stay in my village and keep trying, as I have for the last 9 months, or move to a different village or town, and work with an established organization that actually wants to work with me. Not to mention, if I move I won’t have to ride a bush taxi in and out of site. Honestly the only thing that is keeping me from jumping on the opportunity to move, is the relationships I have built with some people in my village. My counterpart Adam, and my Language tutor Amadu and his family, and especially my Host dad Mama and his family. I don’t want to leave them. But then, is it really worth it?! Say worst case scenario, nothing changes, my transport is still shitty and I don’t get a decent project off the ground by the time I leave. I honestly don’t think I would be able to handle it. I have never been the sit back and watch kind of person, I am a do-er and need to make things happen. I don’t think I would be able to honestly say I did anything worthwhile in Peace Corps and that is slowly killing me.
If I do move I feel like I am being selfish, because yes my life would be sooooo much easier, and at the same time that makes me feel like a cop out. I am here to help Malians, not myself right? Yes, electricity, running water and a toilet would be amazing, and the town I would be moving to is only about 50K from my current village, I could keep the ties with my host family and other people in Senou and I would be able to work with an amazing, motivated Malian woman who has started her own orphanage! That is what I want to do, that would make me feel like I am doing legitimate work and that would make me happy…. That is also so selfish! But at the same time, if I am happy then I will do much better work?! Can someone just make this decision for me? It will all come down to transport in the end though, If I decide to stay for now, fine I will have to brave a bush taxi again. But I’m telling you all now as my witness, if I get in another wreck that’s it! I’m done…


***I wrote this 4 days ago and since then have decided to stay in my village. I have decided that my village deserves a second change, and that I will not be doing any funded projects for a while. Until/if they get motivated****